I was walking home from school, making my way down Sherrington Road , Charlton, towards the ditch: a dirt road that branched off from Sherrington Road and passed alongside a series of allotments before exiting at Tallis Grove, which was a stone’s throw from where I lived. The houses along Sherrington Road had small front…
So I walk passed this house every morning on my way to primary school and every afternoon on my way back home. The house stands out because the garden is very attractive. I’m always by myself. I’ve always been by myself. I don’t have any friends, not real friends. I’m alone with my thoughts and…
My right testicle was heavily swollen. It was a hydrocoele that needed repairing. My urologist, Mr Reynard, was draining it every three months or so in the spinal outpatients department of Stoke Mandeville Hospital. The process was uncomfortable. He had to insert a needle into the testicle and draw off the excess fluid, which occasionally…
The old man tipped his head back and necked a couple of codeine tablets, sixty milligrams in all. He couldn’t kick the habit. Now and again, he thought. Just a couple now and again. Can’t do me any harm.
So who was the real Mr Evans? He presented himself as a charming, well dressed, well spoken individual, always available to help and advise. Beneath this façade of respectability there lurked a depraved monster driven by compulsions he could not control.
Rowing as fast as they could, the crew members gradually drew away from the doomed ship. The fog began to clear as Captain Picklewink watched the stern upended and then slowly slide beneath the waves, passengers silhouetted by the silvery moon as they lept into the cold water. Their screams continued for several minutes then all was silent, just the gentle lapping of the waves against the side of the lifeboat and the murmurings of the passengers that had survived.
I saw a Mod get pushed through a shop window. He emerged from the glass dazed and smothered in blood. It was a horrible sight, really nasty. A policeman helped him. He actually looked quite shocked, very emotional. I heard him shouting out: “For Christ sake, stop this.”
Fifteen minutes go by and there are no further customers. I take a Gibson J45 acoustic from the wall and begin to strum it. Suddenly I hit on an idea and say: “Do you fancy some acid?” Bill is slightly hesitant. “I’ve got one conical LSD tablet called a pyramid,” I tell him. “We could cut it down the middle and take half each. That way we won’t hallucinate and we’ll enjoy the experience.”
Suddenly two plainclothes detectives with a constable appeared on the quayside. They climbed aboard. We stopped working. “Were you trying to sell money?”
“Sell money?” I had almost forgotten about the incident on the way back from the pub. It meant nothing to me. We explained that it was just a joke but the detectives frisked us, then searched the huts and decks of the pontoon.
“You will have to accompany us to the station,” one of the detectives said, reciting our rights and telling us we were being arrested on suspicion of selling counterfeit money.
A disconcerting feature of this little pink crater, this fairy ring of offal, is the way it spontaneously ejects gases. It’s unimaginably badly behaved, always blowing its trumpet exactly when you don’t want it to. It’s an errant, mischief-maker, and its loud to boot. A deep tuber-like rumble guaranteed to hit a flatulent note exactly when you don’t want it to: in the middle of an important meeting, or perhaps when you are out with friends and enjoying a meal in a restaurant. I have learned to make fun of it.