My Friend Geraldine — The Conspiracy Theorist

I heard from my friend Geraldine today.  For an 80 year old, she’s as bright as a new penny.  Not bad looking, either.  Geraldine is a conspiracy theorist, believes the earth is flat and the sun is a small globe in the sky which revolves around the earth.  In fact, the whole universe revolves around the earth.  The American government allowed the destruction of the twin towers in order to whip up anti-Muslim feelings and to justify the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq, which was alleged to have weapons of mass destruction and was later found to have none.  She further believes — as many conspiracy theorists do — that the British government allowed Grenfell Tower to blaze uncontrollably in order to whip up hostility against asylum seekers and refugees.  Seventy-one people — including a stillborn baby — lost their lives in the inferno, trapped in the burning tower with no means of escape.  The blackened carcass of the building is a shuddering reminder of the horror that occurred on that fateful night, a blazing firestorm that lit up the London sky.  It’s inhabitants came from all over the globe, refugees and asylum seekers from Morocco, Ethiopia and many other Islamic countries.  It was later discovered that some tenants had sublet their flats, which made it virtually impossible to ascertain exactly how many people had died.  Geraldine also believes the Queen is an alien reptile and mankind is in the grip of the Illuminati, a group of powerful people conspiring to control world affairs  Yes, my friend is as bright as a penny but very unconventional.  Her mind deviates into all sorts of bizarre and wonderful avenues.  “My daughter has a machine which converts vibrations from plants into music,” she told me in an email.  I wondered whether it would work on people?  Would, for example, the brains of a psychopath vibrate differently from the brains of a humanitarian.  Would the music from one be discordant in comparison to the other?

At least it is refreshing to know that she is not bound by political correctness.  Not surprising since she is a practicing psychotherapist.  I sometimes wonder if she is in need of therapy herself.

One could argue that political correctness is another conspiracy.  Its purpose is to control the masses, stifle conversation and modify behaviour.  If so, it is perhaps the greatest of all conspiracies.  Perhaps the illuminati have developed some kind of psyche virus to keep us under their control.  The Thought Police are controlling us without us even realising it.

Henry Taylor leans over and touches his female friend’s knee: an innocent gesture of appreciation and goodwill.  But she claims he has sexually harassed her, touched her inappropriately.  It must be true it’s on Facebook.  Suddenly he’s labelled a vile sex pest.  His name and allegations go viral on social network platforms.

So Henry hangs himself after receiving many anonymous threatening and abusive emails.  The words: ‘vile sex predator’ are daubed in bright red paint on the outside walls of his rented house.  Infuriated residents — unaware that his lifeless body hangs from a leather dog leash wedged in the top of the front room door — hurl bricks through his windows.  The mould stained wallpaper opposite his strangled corpse reflects the deep decay of the world around him, the insidious tactics used by narrow―minded individuals to subvert certain modes of behaviour and communication.  They have been suffocated to the point of oblivion.  Human interaction has decomposed like rotting vegetation.

Meanwhile teachers are warned by a formal mental health tsar never to refer to children as girls or ladies because it reminds them of their gender.

The Thought Police are everywhere.  They lay in wait for the slightest excuse to pounce.

“Good work, Jimmy.  We’ve got the bastards this time.”

“Yeah, Boss.  He won’t recover from this accusation, even if it’s proven false.”

“Job well done, Jimmy my boy.”

A parent was outraged that a school had taught her son the Sleeping Beauty fairy-tale, claiming it was teaching him that kissing a girl without her consent was acceptable.  “The school was educating my son to believe that he is entitled to sexually assault a woman without her consent,” she said.

Quite right.  It’s an outrage!  Who do these teachers think they are?  Someone’s got to rein them in.  Can’t have them teaching our children that subversive behaviour is acceptable.  What’s the world coming to?

Oh my god!  Another celebrity falls victim to historical sex abuse accusations.  This time a man perceived by society as devout and saintly due to his fame as a child chorister and later as religiously motivated television and radio presenter, is alleged to have inappropriately touched someone younger than himself.  Gasps of horror.  He denies the allegations, of course, but adds he is sorry if his past actions have caused offence.

The person who makes the complaint remains anonymous.  They are portrayed as innocent victims.  The accused, however, is portrayed as a sex predator: a de facto abuser.  Even if proven innocent — such as the singer Cliff Richard who was similarly accused of historical sex abuse — the stigma sticks.  Must be true.  Heard it on the news and read it in the papers.  No smoke without fire.

The Thought Police insinuate, accuse and condemn before the courts pass judgement.

And so the religious celebrity falls from grace.  His contracts are immediately suspended and he is no longer able to broadcast.  The fall is a hard one.  Like a heavy angel, he tumbles from the sky and crashes to the ground.  The Thought Police then pound his body into the dirt.

Make an improper move or suggestion at your peril.  That’s the kind of world we live in.

But Geraldine quietly reflect on the conspiracies that supposedly dominate our lives.  She conducts her psychotherapy sessions with no mention to her clients of her unconventional thoughts, the flat earth theory and the fact that the Illuminati are masterminding global events, planting agents in governments and corporations in order to gain political power, influence, and establish a New World Order.

I can’t wait to talk to her, listen to her frenzied postulations and hear what the latest conspiracy theory is.


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